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How to Fall in Love – or Not!

Posted by Fred Tracy February 14th, 2011 12 Comments

heart ring on candy

Happy Valentine’s Day! Today’s post is going to be all about – you guessed it – love! It’s fredtracy.com’s very first February 14th. I feel like a proud father watching his child take his first steps. :)

Falling in Love

How many times have you heard the phrase, “I fell in love.” You can’t think of anything but that other person. Every time you’re around them you feel positively high – and psychologically speaking, that’s pretty accurate. You’re on Cloud 9 for days and days. Even just thinking of that special someone will give you an incredible sense of euphoria. It feels great, but there’s also a dark side.

I was browsing some forums recently, and I ran into a person who was wondering why they always fell for the wrong type of guys. She had a lot of ideas about it, and seemed to be spending a large amount of time analyzing the whole problem. In my usual cut-to-the-chase style, I simply asked her: If you don’t want to be with those type of guys, then why do you get with them? Her answer: “Because I fell in love.”

Are You a Victim of Your Emotions?

Personal development is all about learning to become your own master. She didn’t need to figure out why she was attracted to the wrong kind of guys. She needed to get control over her emotions. She needed to realize that she can consciously choose her actions, regardless of how she feels.

Do you find that you fall in love with the wrong kind of people consistently? Consider that you might be addicted to that emotion. What is it about the rush of dopamine and other hormones that you need? Are you hiding from some glaring problem in your life?

Consciously Choose to Love

The idea that love is something that just happens to us is pretty common today, but that doesn’t make it true. “Falling in love” is only a popular phrase because not taking responsibility for your inner world is equally popular. Once you make the decision to take charge of your life, falling in love doesn’t seem quite accurate anymore. Learning how to create and harness the power of love is something that every conscious person can do.

Let’s say that your marriage is on shaky grounds. You don’t feel the way you once did about your wife, and it’s causing a lot of trouble. She feels less valued, you feel like you aren’t giving her what she deserves, and you’re both arguing all the time. If you decide to wait until the passion reignites to take action, you’re going to be waiting quite awhile.

Although mass media would have you believe the opposite, love isn’t just a noun. Love is a verb. Don’t passively wait until you feel love for someone. If you want to feel it, then go create it. Appreciate her. Tell her how much you care about her. You’ll find that the emotion of love will flow out of your actions.

Love is a choice, not some irresistible urge that invades your life from time to time. You don’t have to be swept up by every emotion that you happen to have.

If you’ve fallen out of love with someone, consider that you may have some role to play in that. Evaluate whether or not you really want to love that person, and act accordingly. If you don’t, then distance yourself from them – easy enough. But if you do, then spend some time thinking about how you can show them how much they really mean to you. As one of the few people who realize how much control you really have over your life, it’s your duty to live up to that.

To love, or not to love, that is the question. But only if you’re conscious enough to ask it in the first place. ;)

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12 Responses so far.

  1. Casey says:

    Woot, … Well Whadyya know. Uncle Fred had a Valentine Day special post, in store for us.

    Okay, where do i begin? Lets see…

    Fred, my man, Love is something one doesnt have any clue or control on. Love just happens. Doesnt matter if its for a good reason or a bad one, but Love seems to occur.

    We’ve all seen that guy or a girl, who just enters in the room and lights up everything. We’ve had our heart beats skipped, tossed and turned. The knees go rubbery n weak. And the stomach just doesnt feel right.
    N mind it, if that person happens to develop the same feelings for you, you just feel so friggin awesome, right?

    So, we fall in love, without thinking twice and we move on as a couple. Love just appears out of nowhere, which is why people dont get time to think about it. Tell me about one guy or a girl, who actually sat down to contemplate the side effects of falling in love with that special someone?

    People just fall head over heels, until its too late. Now there are different forms of love. At times, its affection or physical attraction. So, as it turns out, a person finds himself or herself quite different from the partner.

    Love is just the beginning of a chapter that’s always waiting to be writ. Thats why; we fall in love again and again, despite of the lessons learned. Until one fine morning, we happen to meet the right person.

    Thats where it all actually takes off. You see a bedazzling girl (she doesnt have to be beautiful. People measure beauty in different perspectives), or a charming stud. You take care of each other, vow to protect each other and live life as long as it goes on.

    • Fred Tracy says:

      I wouldn’t call the love at first sight phenomenon “love.” Maybe initial attraction, but love is much more complex. One of the things becoming more conscious has done for me is it’s allowed me to intelligently decide if I want to follow up that initial attraction with something similar to love. While I can appreciate the mesmerizing effect it can have, forgetting past lessons and life goals for a fleeting dopamine high is more suited to movie actors than real people. ;)

    • Fred Tracy says:

      Also, I appreciate being called “uncle Fred.” Thank you for that. lol!

  2. s davitt says:

    “Love at first sight” is not Love, it’s infatuation! Love is what comes after that euphoric high is gone, when you make a conscious effort to continue Loving eachother!

    Thanks Fred, for another very insightful article :)

    • Fred Tracy says:

      Thanks for the comment! Few man-made drugs can match the high you get when you’re infatuated with somebody. It’s insane! I totally agree that real love comes after, when you consciously decide that you want to keep seeing each other, even if you don’t get high from the experience as much anymore. ;)

  3. spacecadetglow says:

    Hey there,

    I love this post! I wrote something very similar on the forums recently about consciously choosing love, being a generator rather than waiting for it to happen to you. It’s true that love is often talked about as something mysterious and intangible, and it sure is romantic to think about it that way, but these days I’m more interested in being present to my own power to create love.

    Do you think it’s possible to consciously create those druggy crush feelings? They do seem to happen sort of randomly and without warning. For the first time, I’m in a relationship with someone for whom I don’t have those violent feelings. It sure is a lot more stable and healthy feeling, but sometimes I miss that euphoria. What do you think?


    • Fred Tracy says:

      Thank you so much!

      It’s funny that you’d ask about love, because I was hanging out on the trampoline last night with one of my friends (whom I love). We met half a year ago, and I remember one of the things she asked me within the first week was if I thought it was possible to keep those euphoric puppy love feelings going. I didn’t know back then, but my experiences last night lead me to believe you can.

      We meditated for about 15 minutes. Actually, we did more talking and giggling than real meditation, but I noticed I felt those feelings again. It was really nice. Having a clear mind and an honest connection seem to be absolutely integral. Maybe you could meditate with your partner and create them? They are wonderful, aren’t they?

      • spacecadetglow says:

        Awesome! But did you actually set the intent to feel those feelings, or did they just come up?

        It’s really wild and new, this whole becoming a master of your reality thing. I mean, I’ve always been a pretty driven individual when it comes to goal setting and achievement, but as far as my own emotions? I’m realizing now I’ve always let them run me instead of the other way around. I just never thought it was possible to control emotion (and yes, I read your new post and loved that one, too!)

        • Fred Tracy says:


          I’m just now really digging deep into kicking my emotions into gear. One of the cool things I learned from my psych courses was how to manipulate yourself. There’s three basic triggers that determines our behavior and emotions. Our mind, our heart, and our actions. When my heart is acting a fool, I recruit my mind and actions to shape it up. It seems to be working thus far.

          I didn’t intend those feelings. They were probably buried under layers of daily silliness. The meditation just unmasked them. Now, if they’re not there in the first place.. hmm. Do you have any clue why they never came up?

          • spacecadetglow says:

            Nice! Yeah, I’ve been moving towards a more rational, logical place, too. Which is kind of blasphemous for me, because for most my life I’ve been the typical delicate flower. It’s time for things to shift a bit, though.

            Ooh, I really like what you said about those feelings being buried under other gunk. That has definitely proven to be the case in this relationship. I actually called things off the first week because I was too caught up in my own head about my ideas of “the one” and finding my soulmate. I was too worried about “is this it?!” to sit back and enjoy the moment with this person. Now, things are gravy and I just don’t even care anymore. I’m just happy to have the company, the emotional support, the sex… lol.

            When I say I never had the crush feelings… well, I suppose I did, and do. I definitely like this guy. It’s just not as, um, violent? as my other crushes have been. In a way that’s nice, because it’s stable, and doesn’t disrupt my life like my other romantic entanglements have. Still, at times I’m just not used to things being so easy and chill!

          • Fred Tracy says:

            Hehe. I understand what you mean about those emotions being “violent.” I spent awhile studying dating psychology, so here’s my shot at playing Doctor Fred, Ph.D.

            Your notion of finding “the one” was actually a limiting belief perpetuated by the media. You have adopted a more appropriate belief that you can choose love, and that’s alleviated some tension from the relationship. You’re expecting less, and just letting things be.

            As for the lack of super strong crush feelings, would you say it’s accurate that the guy you’re with is a fair bit less wild than your typical guy? Is he more stable, kind, and chill? In pair bonding situations, that high feeling is usually intensified by a certain amount of wonder and uncertainty. Think of the stereotypical alpha male rock star. He’s got a lot going on, his status (in terms of primates) is through the roof, and he can offer you a literal feast of high intensity emotions that will probably send your dopamine levels into outer space.

            If your new guy is more chill, and yet you still appreciate him, then I think you’re doing just what the article was about. You’re consciously choosing to love, regardless of whether or not those high intensity emotions (that aren’t really love anyway!) are tripped. You go, girl.

            Does that sound at all accurate? Also, I hate using terms like “pair bonding” to describe relationships. Makes me feel like Hannibal Lecter. :p

      • Sara says:

        hey that’s me!

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